


falling away (generations)

by CapriciousCrab



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Introspection, M/M, Nigel pov, Personal Growth
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-25
Updated: 2019-08-25
Packaged: 2020-09-26 09:47:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,346
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20387719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CapriciousCrab/pseuds/CapriciousCrab
Summary: Nigel watches Phil's video and has a moment of realization





	falling away (generations)

He's watched this video more than any of the others. 

Nigel can hear voices rising up the stairs. The laughter in the kitchen is as boisterous and joyful as the two women sat there chortling over their afternoon tea, and it brings a fond smile to his face. He likes when Roz comes for a visit, bringing along her youthful energy and her ever-present knitting. They usually stay up much too late, chatting over coffee and biscuits and the occasional board game, but it's worth missing those few extra hours of sleep. The house always seems brighter when they have visitors filling it with happy noise, and it makes him feel a bit nostalgic for the days when Martyn and Phil ran around underfoot. 

The smile slips from his face as he turns his thoughts away from an easy afternoon tea, and back to the laptop he has open on his desk. Phil's face smiles back at him from the video Nigel has paused, and he takes a moment to examine it in a way he never had before. Phil's face is as familiar to him as his own and yet he feels like he's just starting to understand the man his youngest son has become.

He's drawn this face more times than he can count; hasty sketches on a pub napkin during evenings out and messy charcoal renderings while he had experimented with shading. He'd even done a watercolor once - a soft, misty painting of Phil staring out at the sea that Kathryn had fallen in love with and then made him frame. The planes and curves of that face are dear and familiar. And yet…

Why hadn't he ever noticed just how guarded Phil's eyes could be? He has his mother's eyes, Nigel thinks to himself as he studies the pair looking out from the screen. But Phil's blue eyes hold an edge of wariness to them that Nigel's never seen in Kath's eyes; a wariness that perhaps speaks of a history of holding back and hiding the pieces of himself that he feared wouldn't be accepted, and Nigel's crushingly aware that he himself had played a role in causing that fear.

His youngest had always been an odd child. Lost in his own head most of the time, Phil had shared none of his father's interests. Talking sports or girls with Martyn had always come easy for Nigel; it was something he knew, something familiar. But Phil preferred his computer and his video games, things that Nigel didn't understand… so eventually, he had stopped trying. 

Oh, he had still tried to get Phil to learn a few things he thought were essential for men to know; things like car maintenance and basic home repairs. Nigel had even bought him a drill when he'd moved away for school, thinking that surely Phil would appreciate a fine tool for tinkering. Phil had made a joke about finally being a real man but underneath his tight smile was hidden pain. Pain that Nigel is only starting to realize he had contributed to.

He presses play once more, and Phil's voice fills the room.

_ "So I've known I was gay since I was about twelveish…" _

_ "Due to the attitudes around me and my small northern town…" _

_ "I'd just pretend to like girls…" _

The sentences strike like arrows, landing with unerring accuracy in the places that bring him the most shame. How many times had Nigel teased Phil about meeting a pretty girl once he'd gone off to university, hoping that one day Phil would introduce them to some lovely young thing he'd brought home, only to be confused when Dan started coming around?

Nigel can still remember being completely blindsided when Kathryn had finally pulled him aside to explain the nature of Phil and Dan's relationship. He's not proud of his initial reaction, that gut-clenching feeling of confusion and disbelief that had kept him silent for a beat too long. Long enough for Kath to give him a hard stare before advising him none too gently to make his peace with it. 

And he had. He'd moved beyond his instinctual denial of Phil's queerness, working hard to undo a lifetime of passive homophobia and casual stereotyping. He'd welcomed Dan into his home and his heart, growing to love him like a son. Nigel had watched both boys blossom as their relationship strengthened, and he couldn't possibly be prouder of them than he is today. He had thought that surely Phil must know how he feels.

But as Nigel watches the video once more, the distance still visible in Phil's eyes, he wonders sadly if perhaps he hasn't said it enough.

*

He's sat in bed watching Kath remove her makeup as she sits at the pretty little vanity Martyn and Cornelia had found at some vintage shop in London. She's humming a quiet tune as she dabs various creams and potions onto her skin, smoothing here and patting there. He usually finds this nightly ritual soothing, but tonight he finds no comfort in it.

"Are you ready to tell me what's bothering you?"

Nigel looks up to find her bright blue eyes watching him in the mirror. Nothing escapes her notice, and he was a damned fool for thinking he could keep his troubled thoughts beneath her awareness.

"Kath… do you think Phil forgives me?" he asks quietly. He fusses with the duvet to keep from looking at her face, afraid of what he might find there.

"Does he forgive you? Forgive you for what? Nigel, what are you on about?"

She sounds bewildered and when he glances back up he sees she has turned around to face him, her face a picture of confusion.

He takes a deep breath and lets it out in a wavering sigh. "Do you think he's forgiven me for not understanding him when he was younger? For pushing things at him and making him feel like he was wrong?" He spreads his hands helplessly and asks, "Does he think I'm a terrible father?"

"Nigel…"

Kath crosses the room and slips beneath the duvet beside him. She takes his hand in hers and laces their fingers together, just as she's always done since they were young.

"Nige, you are _ not _a terrible father and I'm quite sure Phil would tell you the same! You know the boys love you," she says. "As for the rest…"

She sighs and squeezes his hand before continuing.

"You're not the only one who's ever said the wrong things, you know. I'm in one of his videos lamenting about how embarrassing it was for him to want a bonnet when he was just a tiny lad and god, I wish I could take it back."

They sit silently for a moment, lost in thought. Nigel turns his head towards Kath and offers a half-hearted smile.

"Our generation hasn't been very good about understanding any of this, have we?" he asks. He's not really expecting an answer, so he's surprised when Kath speaks.

"Maybe not but we're trying. We're learning and changing, Nige, and hopefully, it's for the better. That's all we can really do," Kath says quietly.

"I'm proud of him," Nigel murmurs thickly. He pulls Kath closer and closes his eyes against the tears that burn there. "I love him, and I'm proud that he's my son and I want him to know that."

Kath presses a kiss to his shoulder. "I'm sure he knows, dear. Why don’t you call him in the morning and speak to him? For now, let's get some sleep."

He closes his eyes as they settle in and drifts off to sleep to the sound of Kath's steady breathing, his dreams full of a noisy kitchen filled with the people he loves most.

_ * _

_ Hey Phil, it's Dad. I was wondering if you and Dan would like to come up for a visit? Mum's birthday is soon, and I'd love to spend some time with you. Feels like it's been too long. Let me know so that I can make arrangements. Love you... _

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> You can like/reblog [here](https://capriciouscrab.tumblr.com/post/187258120435/falling-away-generations-rating-g-word-count) if you enjoyed it :)


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